Sometimes I wish my head wasn’t 5 steps ahead the rest of me. I want to do everything. Wonder Woman Syndrome. I want to have a great career (somehow manage to surpass my fear of public speaking!), be a doting daughter, a loving wife and great homemaker, raise wonderfully obedient children (Impossible? Insert correction – To be able to have children, Insh’Allah.). Seek knowledge of the Deen, of complex issues. Be able to understand political jargon!! And jargon of any other nature. Be able to express myself in writing. I envy those who use the pen like a paintbrush. Beautiful. Most of all I want to be able to feel confident in what I say, to have mastery in something as opposed to nothing, to feel at ease in what I believe and in who I am.
Sometimes I feel this pretence of being so sure of who I am, this mask I charade about in begins to chip…and withers. I can feel the edges fraying. I wonder, does no-one else notice it? Are the fine hairline cracks only visible to me? When I smile in the company of someone….can they not see the cogs in my mind whirring in preoccupation of something…and someone….else? That infact I can see their mouth moving, and catch snippets of the conversation but overall I am not really paying much attention since I have far more pressing matters to think about?
And how can you remain so engrossed in someone’s inane ramblings about something irrelevant? I suppose that isn’t wholly fair…what I deem to be useless may very well be of some significance to them. And I do engage in my fair share of useless trivial conversations.
I know what I need. A holiday. Warm weather, blue skys…I must be dreaming…Its pelting down here with rain…and is bitterly cold! But I can dream…