Beautifying Girls For Their Husbands
January 22, 2008 at 2:01 pm | In Culture, Future, Gender Issues, Men, Muslims, Non-Muslim, Women | 30 Comments
Following on the theme from “A Cutting Tradition” where female circumcision was touted as making “ a woman look more beautiful in the eyes of her husband” I wondered where does this burrowing obsession for beautification end.
Dress codes and norms, dressing “up” for husbands or for men, practises such as skin bleaching, foot binding, elongating necks and surgery for tightning up eye sockets to make the eyes appear larger, vaginal tightening – the list is endless.
Male circumcision is never flagged up as making the “man desirable to the wife”. Comic facial hair is also never put forward as a method used to induce visual orgasmic pleasure to females, although it is meant to make the person in question more “attractive” to the opp sex.
I wonder when will this ever end? When will mothers stop looking at their daughters and wondering how to “prep” them to be good wives? Make sure she irons shirts well, is able to cook a finger licking meal for her husband and inlaws, round chappati’s that are not too thick or too thin, that she is a tidy seamstress, is able to bear children as part of her worth is in the ability to pop out kids?
And when that list is over it down to her appearance. How to remove that fine downy hair she has on her face? Make her lose some weight, because after all no-one wants a fat daughter-in-law (even if the guy himself is the Michelin tyreman). Get rid of her bushy eyebrows? How to lighten her dark skin (even if he looks like a coalmine worker)?
One of my mum’s friends came over for dinner on Eid and whilst eating she was just looking around at us girls: me, my cousins, her own daughter and my cousin’s wife. Later she turns to my Mum and says “People want light skinned girls for their boys dont they?” She’s not your village bred idiot. She’s a well educated woman, used to work as a Dr in Pakistan. But it certainly didn’t stop her from wondering how her daughter will fair in the marriage stakes when her time comes.
Are women to blame for feeding this attitude to other women and to men? When women decide to “dress up” for their husbands in some fetish ensemble are they merely enforcing the stereotype of vixen in bed, Ma’am out? When they find out a woman is getting married the “advice” from other women is usually “buy some nice lingerie”. Why? Is that all you are expecting to be – some docile sex machine, readily available for servicing?
I find it sickening that mothers look and treat their daughters as if their only purpose in life is to make sure she turns out to be a good wife. Who can look at a little girl and ponder “how can I make her more attractive to her husband to be? what can I do to ensure he considers her a worthwhile catch? how can I make her sexually more appealing?”
I’m so terribly tired of it all. When is this going to end?
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When is it going to end? Who knows. Where does it end? Ideally, it should end where Islam says it should. Many of the “beautification” methods you mentioned look very much to be considered “changing Allah’s creation” and would actually forbidden according to Islamic law if so.
Comment by Rasheed Gonzales — January 22, 2008 #
It should work both ways. A woman dresses ‘up’ for her husband, and a man keeps himself clean and tidy for his woman.
Comment by Umm Layth — January 22, 2008 #
The NY Times has committed a grave ethical lapse in this coverage.
From IranAffairs.com:
Despite what the NY Times asserts, FGM is in fact not a “Muslim” tradition. It has no actual religious basis. Rather, it is a social custom in some places, and predates the arrival of Islam. It is virtually unknown in the vast number of predominantly Muslims countries of the world.
Indeed, of the places where FGM is widely practiced, the practice is not even limited to Muslims. As the US State Department says about Ethiopia, for example: These practices cross religious boundaries, including Christians, Muslims and Ethiopian Jews (Falashas).
But of course you wouldn’t know that by reading the article in the NY Times which repeatedly invokes Islam and Muslims, without any concern for any of these facts.
But apparently someone at the NY Times’ website caught this and decided to eliminate the over reference to “Muslim girls” in the headline. Now, I don’t have a problem with that. Fixing errors is the job of editors, after all. However, what I do have a problem with is the unethical way this was done. If the NY Times has made an error in the published version, especially one that taints an entire population of 2 billion Muslims as mutilators of the genitals of little girls, then the only ethical way to deal with it would be to formally publish a retraction that openly acknowledges the error – rather than quitely fixing the headline with the hopes that no one would notice.
Comment by hass — January 22, 2008 #
The problem is the external beauty usually doesnt make them better wife.
this beautifying is not just face or color of skin. also their acts and reactions front of husband to be is very hypocritical and two-faced. They are “advised” to show them kind,calm, shy, beautiful, sweet bla bla.
But i noticed these women who beautify themselves more to take better husband, change so much after marriage.
I like to beautify me for my husband too. As long as it doesnt harm my real personality and who i am. Catting part of woman is very stupid job to do.
)
Also i know most men dont marry women who have done circumcision or prettifying. Bcs they like their woman be natural and real. ( Shahriar said the last paragraph
Comment by Shahrzad — January 22, 2008 #
correction: cutting
Comment by Shahrzad — January 22, 2008 #
Last night, I went to dinner with two friends. Afterward, I wanted an ice cream cone, so I had one. Both of my friends (obsessed with not gaining weight b/c they want to get married) declined the ice cream.
No one should be fat for health reasons, but having an ice cream cone…here and there is ok!!! I hate it that my friends think an ice cream cone = never getting married.
Comment by Stargazer0786 — January 22, 2008 #
I’m sorry but men MUST be good looking if they want pretty wives. Just one look at any matrimonial website would tell you how a total ape wants a “fair, tall, young and slim” wife.
The Woman should be tall, fair, virgin, young, slim but the Man can be King Kong and he will proceed to say he is God-fearing and has clean habits so that is enough. Sorry mate, you ain’t getting the cookie if you swing from tree to tree.
Comment by Achelois — January 22, 2008 #
Hass thank you for your comment. I think your entry was meant for the “A Cutting Tradition” post? Nevertheless I acknowlegde and am aware it is a practise not solely carried out by Muslims alone, but also amongst other faith groups. But they don’t claim their faith sanctions it, whereas some Muslims say female circumcision is allowed. Thats the difference.
Umm Layth – the problem with “dressing up” is that I personally would be incredibly offended if asked to adorn a leather outfit or something “kinky” because IMO its out of order wanting your wife to look like something out of a porn movie. “Dressing up” should involve no more than a good grooming routine and nice clean clothes. None of this other filth thats been importing into marriages by courtest of sex shops and Ann Summers.
Agree with you Shahrzad. I think it applies to men and women – if you have a beautiful personality, a nice demeanour, charming character then looking good on the outside is only a tiny bit of the equation. Of course everyone likes to look good – but when it begins to impinge on your life and your r’ships; thats when it becomes out of control.
Thats quite typical of some women StarGazer. Id’ve happily joined you in having an ice cream even though it’d probably end up on my hips (usually does)!
Comment by Sumera — January 22, 2008 #
Achelois, perhaps Orangutan’s are in vogue? :p
Comment by Sumera — January 22, 2008 #
I think it goes back to ‘men want to love, women want to be loved’. But culture has a huuuuge part to play. I always makes me so angry when mothers of little girls are jokingly told to start looking for rishtas now, har di har har. At a family event, my 2 year old (girl) cousin went up to a wee boy and gave him a kiss, and everyone started laughing and saying to the girls mother that they should just do the nikah now and avoid all the trouble later. This culture is obsessed with marriage. Mothers get desperate to get their daughters married suitably young and to a suitably impressive guy, it’s no wonder they want them to look their best to ensure a good catch.
Comment by mcpagal — January 22, 2008 #
Sumi Sumi Sumi
This is old news, darling. Instead of making observations, let’s act on it and become a role model for what we preach. Let’s show the world that women can be intelligent and beautiful and they mustn’t feel pressured to be part of the loop. Will these people change?
Probably not.
Comment by organicmuslimah — January 22, 2008 #
Oh yeah mcPagal, I’ve heard those conversations before. I tend not to join in with the laughter and am subsequently told to “lighten up”! Pah
While there are other women Organic who pump this same drivel onto their little girls, any gains made are lost x times over. That is what is so depressing about it all!
Comment by Sumera — January 22, 2008 #
I figure these mothers were brought up in the same way and it’s a continuous cycle until someone sticks up for themselves and says no.
What I find also disheartening is when mothers pull their daughters from school in order to “train” them as wives and use that as an excuse for missing school. These are usually girls who once were active in their communities and then slowly disappear. I don’t know what “training” is required for being a wife anyway? If a girl needs to actually learn how to clean or cook a basic meal then she seriously isn’t ready for marriage to begin with!
Comment by 'liya — January 23, 2008 #
Some Christians also clam that their faith requires them to shoot abortion doctors. Does that make their claim valid or believable? Oh Come on.
Comment by hass — January 23, 2008 #
Isn’t beautifying yourself for your spouse a Prophetic instruction? or something to that affect?
Comment by Haleem — January 23, 2008 #
AA-
Wait, I’m a bit confused. Is it wrong to ask a wife to trim her mustache or braid her leg-hairs every once in a while?
Am I being sexist or just asking for my rights?
Comment by brnaeem — January 23, 2008 #
As a revert to Islam, I have made the same observations you have and yes, frankly, I am also fed up.
For me the way I understood the Quran is that a marriage is about both spouses doing their best in all aspects to please the other spouse (within reason, of course).
In reality and maybe this is only in some communities, the onus is on the wife. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people say that it is the wife’s duty to make her marriage work, it is the wife’s duty to keep her husband happy otherwise he might just marry a second wife. I know of a lady who went for liposuction because her husband was not satisfied with her figure! Really, I find this too much!
Why is it all about men and keeping them happy?
Yes, there is nothing wrong with a wife beautifying herself for her husband, but it should be within reasonable limits and of course, he has the duty to do the same for her.
Comment by SM — January 23, 2008 #
One of the sahaba said something about how he likes to dress up for his wife just as he would like to have his wife dress up for him.
Why be SO caught up in what people think/do?
That way we’ll always be stuck in frustration. Why not BE what we want to BE and leave weirdness to people who want to practice it.
Comment by alwaysred — January 23, 2008 #
Well Haleem and Always Red, there’s quite a big difference in dressing up (normally took to mean adorning nice clothing and fragrancing) and in opting to engage in adorning yourself like a porn star (nippleless bra’s, crotchless pants, PVC outfits). I personally find such requests abhorrent and demeaning and therefore the concepts of dominatrix and sadomachoism and everything else associated with it also gross. It may be some people’s cup of tea and they are welcome to their likes and dislikes as am I
But in terms of the post in itself the constant emphasis on beauty has resulted in some women beginning to “mould” their daughters from a young age is what needs to be addressed. Especially the pulling out of school as you mentioned Liya; or in some places not even sending them to school because “whats the point, she’s not going to work she’ll just get married and have children”. Such attitudes still exist which is quite sad.
Br Naeem what goes on between you and your wife is your business :p Braid leg hairs? Seeing a different side to you Naeem!
Hass – shooting abortion doctors in the name of Christianity may be a good thing according to some who are pro-life but murdering those who engage in it isn’t an explicit command, recommendation nor is it sanctioned. Female circumcision (the “lesser” option of it) seems to be for some Muslims permissible. See the other post (A Cutting Tradition) for a detailed discussion on where this permissibility seems to be stemming from. Thanks
SM -I agree with you!
To the newcomers welcome to my blog!
To the oldies – welcome too
Comment by Sumera — January 23, 2008 #
Sumera….another nice post that makes one think.
People may have different views on the details but the big picture is about the attitude and motive.
As for when is it going to end….I think it can stop right here…when everyone who disagree stops doing it.
Comment by Zios — January 24, 2008 #
Both men and women are to blame for constanly reinforcing the male Madonna/Whore complex, that is, that a man wants a saintly wife for his life companion and children, and a whore in the bedroom. Men are sexually immature, usually their development is arrested in adolescence, where fantasy and pornography set their adult criteria. Yet they also want to be mothered. It is a dichotomy that some never grow out of.
Ya Haqq!
PS Not me, of course
Comment by darvish — January 24, 2008 #
Let me tell you a secret – Aly loves Ann Summers
Every time we pass by the store he’ll point to the most painful looking items (he also likes stilettos) and I tell him for that he’d have to marry a submissive woman and for that he’d have be born again!
I know I’m difficult.
Comment by Achelois — January 24, 2008 #
Naeem can easily be freaked by bodily hair
Comment by Achelois — January 24, 2008 #
Sorr, body hair – I was going to write something else.
Comment by Achelois — January 24, 2008 #
Sorry, body hair – I was going to write something else.
Comment by Achelois — January 24, 2008 #
I believe there are basic rules that every man and woman need to follow when it comes to keeping themselves nice and tidy. These things are already in our deen, shown to us by example by our Rasul (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). Keeping clean, fulfilling the sunnah’s (trimming body hair, nails, using miswak etc. etc.), keeping the hair nice and clean – maybe oiled, using nice oils to smell good in the home, dressing as best as one can, etc.
Every husband and wife should work to please each other if they want a blessed, peaceful, marriage. But insha’Allah a woman shouldn’t stop doing it even if her husband doesn’t fulfill his part of the act. One can get so much ‘ajr for pleasing the husband from Allah and that should be our ultimate goal. If we shifted the way we thought, maybe things wouldn’t feel so negative.
Comment by Umm Layth — January 24, 2008 #
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
as-salaamu ‘alaikum. MashaAllah, Sumera it looks like you opened up a subject that carries a lot of emotion for a number of women. Now that you have their attention… what next?
-Saifuddin
Comment by Saifuddin — January 25, 2008 #
There are limits to beautification and pleasing one another Umm Layth, and efforts should be made by both individuals. If a woman makes her pleasing her husband her goal (because she believes he’s her gateway to Paradise – we’ve had a discussion on this issue here
) yet he doesn’t perceive himself to be subject to the same “conditions” then its bound to cause problems. When one does it all and the other can’t even respect the other enough to make an effort then there is something wrong in such a r’ship.
WalaykumAsalaam Saifuddin. What next? Good question. The purpose of the entry wasn’t Its heartening to see there is agreement on how far down the wrong way this incessant obsession with moulding girls into “perfect” wives can be. And that beautification that is caused through mutilation and pain is not worth it.
So long as there are people who agree there is something wrong with these kinds of attitudes there is still hope and the possibility that they won’t pass it on to their own children.
Food for thought.
Do you have any thoughts to share Saifuddin?
Comment by Sumera — January 25, 2008 #
it will never end sumera , humanas will stay humans , I finally accepted my skin colour , I am considered dark for an arab and lightfor a pakistani , I realized being ‘fair’ as they say is all opinion to what YOU think is fair .
I would not do that to my daughter , my daughter is not here just to please her husband . It is all about balance woman should take care of themselves but then again so should men . no one wants to be married to someone who looks scruffy do they ?
Society needs to change . That is really the only solution and skin bleaching is sickning !
Comment by benevolence85 — January 25, 2008 #
My friend (Un)relaxeddad is discussing gendering on his blog (http://relaxedparents.com/2008/01/24/gendering/) and I guess gendering children in their young years affects what they do when they grow older.
Comment by Achelois — January 25, 2008 #