The lovely Organica asked me to explain the various customs and practises involved in Pakistani weddings. So I shall try to explain them as fully as I can.
For those knowledgeable about these customs, please impart your fountain onto me should I err or inadequately explain anything.
A typical Pakistani wedding occurs over 5-7 main events which can take place over 7 days in a row, but usually are spread over a few months/weeks.
Post Acceptance of Proposal
Event 1: Maniyaan (Engagement)
Pre-Wedding Days
Event 2: Dholki
Event 3: Mendhi (girls side)
Event 4: Mendhi (boys side)
Wedding Day
Event 5: Nikkah
Event 6: Baraat
Event 7: Rukhsati
Post Wedding
Event 8: Waleemah
Event 9: Makhlawa
This entry will detail the Maniyaan and & Dholki events.
Event 1: Maniyaan/Maiyaan is basically the engagement and occurs after the bride’s parents approve of the groom and accept the wedding proposal. This can either be a lavish affair, or a small family only gathering. It involves exchange of rings which solemnize bethrotal and acceptance of the proposal and impending marriage.
Typically the boys mother will choose the ring for the girl and put the ring on her and on the other side, the girls father will put the ring (chosen by the brides mother) on the groom-to-be due to conservative practise of no physical touching to occur prior to marriage amongst some families. After this there may be cake cutting, but if not will always involve a feast. The engagement is thrown by the brides family and expenses are incurred by them for the event, in terms of food and hall hire (if applicable).
Some families may not undergo a formal engagement party. Other methods after verbal acceptance of proposal can include gifting the girl with clothes, jewellery or any other items from the family. The boy may also gift her with an item of his choosing. This marks the beginning of the waiting period, which could be a few weeks, or months or even years for the wedding day and events to come.
Event 2: Dholki
Dholki nights = dholki taken from dhol=drum, dholok = drumming.
This occurs in the week leading up to the henna night and is a women’s only event. Women, old and young gather together, with one being the drummer and one sitting opposite her with a spoon or other metal cutlery, tapping away on the dhol according to the rythym of the beats. Sometimes a duff is also used.
They sing wedding songs, usually those relating to the bride to be and her groom, about their relationship with each other and of course the dreaded mother in law! Most of these songs are Punjabi folk in origin and are also sung at Sikh weddings:
Punjabi dholak geet - The evening will start with female relatives and friends of the bride playing the Dholki and singing Suhaag, which are traditional Punjabi folk songs. Songs include ‘jokes’ about the in-laws, and would be husband, how to have a successful marriage and songs about the bride leaving her parents home.
There is much merriment, laughter and teasing which takes place. The dholki is kept by both the bride and the groom’s family respectively, however they do not attend each others dholki nights. The only time when each family attend one anothers event begins from the henna/mendhi night.
Next entry will detail the Event 3 and Event4: Mendhi Night
No wonder the rates of divorce in the Desi community are much lower. People have to go through a lot to get married
Very interesting! Thanks for sharing
Very Interesting ..
very interesting. ours is somewhat similar. though we don’t have separate dholki/mehendi – we have it as one called holud.
Interesting. Are you doing similar things??
Balle! Balle!
Have you noticed something that in Pakistani Weddings everyone in the family is more excited then those who are actually getting married
Ah dont let all this fool you Organica :p
Welcome Aafke, Haleem & Maryam!
Doing most things on the list sf
Yep, definitely true Ammar.
waw, what a process.. We have just one day wedding and that’s all about it..
i will be having 3 events: mayon, shadi and valeema. i cant be a bride for more than I need to be
Isn’t Mangani the Engagement, and Maiyan is something else?
Ha I found it!!!! Hehe this is really helpful considering I’m supposed to get married soon and I don’t have a stinkin clue what to do as a bride, (I’m afraid I’m gonna trip while walking!)
The magni itself is a very small ceremony with all the close family present to see the couple formally engaged. As with all ceremonies in this Muslim country, a prayer is said to ensure the smoothness of the process and the happiness of the couple. Food is usually served afterwards, but this is usually a pretty reserved affair. The shadi date is set, usually a good 6 months or more out, and it is during this period of engagement that couples following the more traditional route, who at this point hardly know each other, get to hang out and begin their first attempts at a relationship. While this is happening, the rest of the family (read mothers, aunts, sisters and any other lady affiliated with either side) begin the frantic process of accumulating clothes, jewelery, shoes, venues, caterers – pretty much the stuff that every culture needs for a wedding. The main difference being that in a western wedding all these arrangements are made for one day, while in Pakistan shadis usually last for about a week and have three or four major functions associated to them.
The first function is called the mayoun. The traditional basis for the mayoun was to formally declare that the shadi process has begun, and to absolve the bride of all chores, errands or any other little distractions that may prevent her from looking her absolute best on the big day. She will usually get an herbal past – called the ubtan – put on her face and body, and various primping and priming will be performed during the next few days so that she looks and feels like a queen when she is finally ready to go home with her king. The mayoun starts out with the hadith a kisa, which tells a story about Prophet Mohammed and his family and how much love they had for one another. The next stage is the milad, which happens on most happy occasions and consists of all the women of a clan gathering around and singing songs in praise of the Prophet. After these two religion-based events are done, the mayoun generally disolves into a dolki, which is a generic term for singing popular songs of all kinds, usually with two or three percussion intruments accompanying (the main one being the dolik). The girl, now officially the dulhan, or bride, wears a simple yellow outfit and is brought in early during the festivities to modestly watch and chat with everyone. Usually, she is brought in by her brothers, sisters and cousins, under a decorative dhupatta, or scarf. As she sits and watches, elders from the family approach her and will circle her head with their hands full of money. This process is called satka, and it is meant to keep the bad spirits away from the dulhan during her moment in the sun. The money used for satka is gathered together and usually given to the matriarch, who then distributes the money to the poor. Also, the women of the family will usually feed the bride sweets while keeping her company.
After all the singing and rituals, a feast ensues with all the usual things associated with your neighborhood Indian buffet – tikkas, naan, biryani, curries. As is the case with almost all major Pakistani gatherings, the success (or failure) of the party is almost always linked to the quality of the food, so particular attention is paid to this part of the evening. There must always be a meat, vegetable, rice and bread dish, but often the more creative menus will get more compliments. Of course, quality is king, followed by quantity as a close second. In fact, things were getting so out of hand at Pakistani shadis in the 90s, with peasants trying to throw huge feasts just to show that they were ‘cool’, that the government tried to enact laws to prevent them. The laws stated that the serving of food was forbidden at any other the major hotels or shadi halls, and they did provide those who could not afford these displays with a way out. Of course, the rich and powerful found ways around this, and just recently the laws have been repealed.
While the mayoun kicks off the shadi process, almost every other event can happen at any time during the next week. The timeline of events is usually subject to many different factors – religious considerations, other shadis going on, flights coming in from out of town – and so on. But, generally speaking, the next event is the mehndi. This is the biggest partying event, and the one usually looked forward to most by everyone. (It is worth noting that while most every event in this process has a large religious component, the mehndi is the one event that is pretty much secular. On the sub-continent, Hindu and Muslim weddings are very similar, with there being deviations only when the religious aspects come into play.) The dulhan’s side usually throws this bash, and they are usually waiting at the entrance to the hall or house where the mehndi is taking place with rose petals and garlands, ready to shower the dulha’s (groom’s) side with them once they arrive. When the dulha’s side does arrive, the whole family usually gathers in front, with the sisters and little kids holding trays full of the actual mehndi, or henna, after which the event is named. The henna is usually decorated with all sorts of candles and flowers, and eventually it is placed in an intricate design onto the dulhan’s hands and feet (although now the girl will usually go to a professional parlour later to get it done). After the sisters and the children, the dulha’s parents, aunts and uncles all come in, followed by loud drums banging and the brothers of the dulha, who escort him in with much pomp and fanfare. Everyone is brightly dressed, and the entrance of the dulha with his family, all dancing and joyous, is usually quite a site to see.
gotten from
http://www.fasote.org/travels/pak/shadi.html
Thank you for all the other info tho!!!!
plz can u gimme the details of event 4 with video on this website only like the way u have 4 event 1.a video the brides sisters taking mehndi to the grooms place with decorations ……………as early as possible
Youtube has plenty of video’s – you can do a search there.
Hi All…
Nothin to say …..:P
nice one great stuff on your website ,will love to see some thing new
Hi, I hope someone here can help me. I’ve been invited to an engagement party for an old friend from University and his fiancée. I’m not really sure the etiquette for a Pakistani engagement and I’m not sure whether gifts are appropriate from guests or whether that is just from family.
I’m also not really sure what to expect in terms of what I should dress and whether it would be a sit down meal or more of a party environment. Being incredibly male my friend has simply told me the time and place (and that was a push) he’s even been calling it “my engagement thingie” so I’ve no idea how formal to go.
He’s a very Westerenised guy and not at all religious but I get the distinct impression his Fiancee and her family are more traditional.
Any suggestions for the ignorant?
Hi Heidi
Well if he is Pakistani, then some customs vary according to families. But taking a gift would be a kind gesture and not seen as strange, it also acts as an ice breaker.
Food wise – you most probably will have a “grab your plate and help yourself!” type of eating affair, this is normally the custom at parties – there is a buffet and you take what you like, find a seat and eat! Rarely is it a sit down affair.
Attire – something not too short, or revealing (or low cut) is the general rule of thumb, so whatever you feel comfortable in
trousers, skirt with a smart blouse, or a summery dress/maxi etc The choice is yours!
Hope that helps!
Hello,
Thank you for such an informative post. However, I have a question. What is proper etiquette for the guests? My best friend is having her engagement next week and invited me. She told me that it’s going to be small and that only family will attend. Can I bring a gift? If so, what would be an appropriate gift?