Event 8: Waleemah;
The waleemah is part of Sunnah and is thrown by the grooms side in celebration of the wedding. This is to make the wedding and marriage public. Unlike the wedding events, the waleemah is a simple affair. The couple enter together and spend their time sitting on the stage. Decor of the hall may complement the bride’s outfit and it is tradition for the groom to wear a 3 piece suit or a tuxedo as opposed to any ethnic type of clothing.
The girls family, immediate and extended also attend the waleema. There may be cake cutting as part of the days celebrations. Overall the atmosphere of the waleema is one of joy and merriment.
Event 9: Makhlawa
After the waleemah the girl returns to her parents home (with husband) and stays there for a few days. Makhlawa – dinner/party invitations. Guests come to visit the newly weds and throw dinner invitations/parties. The system of dinner invitations can last anywhere up to a year after the couples marriage.
The girl is expected to dress up and adorn herself in gold jewellery and extravagant dresses for a few months into married life (or a year, whatever she can sustain!) as this is her “identity” and she dresses accordingly to play the role of “nay navee dulhan” – newly wed.
Other
The system of giving jahez (dowry) occurs amongst Pakistani’s. This is where, in theory the girl is gifted by her parents with items of furniture, and other household goods for her usage at her new home. Some would even gift cows, and sheep! This was partly to make the transition of moving home easier.
However typically these days it is the grooms side who notify the girls parents of what “they need”. This can be anything from clothes to furntiure to cars. Jahez has turned into a menace and has resulted in many problems with girls being burnt or killed for bringing an inadequate jahez with them, or taunted and degraded. The jahez and mahr are distinct and different – the mahr is given from the boy to the girl, whereas jahez is from the girls family to the boys family.
This is linked to bride wealth. Bride wealth, known as kaikuli, has sanction under Islamic law and was often viewed as a pre-mortem inheritance from a father to his daughter. In Pakistan, a woman is entitled to one-eighth of her parental property as dowry, with the woman retaining rights over her possessions. Grooms were encouraged under Islamic law to give wives generous mahr, a cash or gift of monetary value at the time of marriage meant to secure the bride’s future. Since the end of the 1970s, the amount of mahr has decreased while the modern version of dowry being jahez–over which the bride rarely retains any control–has gained ground on kaikuli.
Other 2
The grooms side of the family gift the girl with a bhurry. This consists of fancy clothes, shoes and handbags – and used to include even the tiniest of items such as a comb, underwear and toothbrush! Nowadays however, it is limited to clothes and perhaps jewellery.
There used to be, and still is for some, a tradition of showcasing the bhurry to guests at the wedding. Each item is shown, purely for the purpose of demonstrating and asserting their social standing through the intricate bhurry and its contents -the more items in the bhurry, the “better” off the grooms family are thought to be.
The girls parents also gift their daughter with a trouseau made up of clothes, shoes and handbags (other various accessories also included). The girl is expected to adorn herself in fancy clothes at least up to a year after the wedding. These outfits are not showcased to guests.
So she has 2 complete sets of new clothes, shoes and other accessories. No shopping required for a while; until the clothes get ruined or until they go out of fashion.
And that folks is an end to the Pakistani Wedding series. Hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you for reading
Excellent series. And congratulations on such superbly written pieces. I was pleasantly surprised by how complete your round-up was! Especially since you don’t live in Pakistan. It must have taken a lot of research and hard work.
The kailkuli is a term unfamiliar to me but it means the right thing: the dowry, nowadays, is considered much more important than anything else. Its normal for people to demand that the bride’s family pay for their son’s future education, house, car and any business that he may want to set up. It’s such a curse.
Waleemah part is similar to Iranian weddings. There is esp place in every wedding hall that they decorate for new couple and then in the middle of hall there is a place for people who come and dance.
There is something for cutting cake too that a girl dances with the knif and doesnt give it to bride and groom for cutting cake untill she takes some money as “Shabash” or gift.
jehaz or jahiziyah depends.
In central Iran, in some cities like Isfahan, they buy all things that a house needs. Even they care that they buy it from an esp brand. And it’s the cause of gossip etc. So much craziness there.
In southern Iran, there is no system of jehaz and groom should prepare all by own.
In northern Iran, bride and groom decide it all. They buy it by own and based on what they need. If the groom has some things that can bring to house, they dont buy it again for jehaz.
The same goes for Mahriyyah, jewelry, etc. It’s all about multi-cultural Iran that every place culture comepletely differs from other parts of the country..
P.S: I could not find any english word for this Shabash or ShadBash.
Specs:I’ve been exposed to enough P’stani weddings being from the background – didnt need to live in Pakistan for that
Indeed the jahez is a curse, such good intentioned gifting on behalf of the brides parents, but subjected to much abuse by grooms family.
ShahrzadShahbash in Urdu means something different, its more a pat on the back a “well done!” but I understand what you meant by it. In P’stani weddings there is rarely a dancefloor since dancing, especially mixed is frowned upon and considered loose (although these days its becoming the norm unfortunately)
Wow that was a job and a half!
Last week I heard of a tradition, it’s when the new bride goes to her in-law’s house, her sister-in-laws open her trousseau and choose a suit each for themselves. It sounds soooo awful, intrusive, and rude, I can’t believe anyone still does it (and some do!). I’m actually really glad that a lot of these old traditions are dying out!
Over how many days do these weddings usually span, about a week? And also, it sounds like it would be quite expensive to do all of these events (correct me if I’m wrong)? Is it commonplace to skip some of the ceremonies, especially if you’re on the poorer end of SES scale?
mcPagal: Really? Thats just rude! Perhaps the Star Plus kind of sister inlaws do that? :p
Anon: Hey there. These events usually span 1-2 weeks. To do all of this, ontop of gift giving (which I forgot to mention – the brides side of the family and grooms gift one another – such as the parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts with gifts, tend to be clothes)None of these events are compulsory. People are free to omit certain events -like the mehndi, the jahez (dowry) and have a small nikkah/barat as their budget see’s fit.
Great job, Sumera! You’ve covered all the aspects of a Pakistani wedding, including small details.
I had a great time reading the series.
Wow! This is well written sumera. Most of the things are also done where I come from. I wish you all the best in your upcoming event.
One thing that bothers me in all weddings is that some families would try to do alot and they have nothing much. People in my hometown do that, they do elaborate weddings, wear expensive clothes and then you should hear them complain once everything is done
Dude, is this wedding ever gonna end???
Thanks nadia
Sometimes sf most of these customs are done for the sake of doing them and to show others. Its a fine opportunity to “display” wealth, even if you’ve taken out loans for it
This was the last one Sophister :p
Thanks love. I pray your wedding is everything you wanted to be.
thanks, I enjoyed reading the series!:)
ok, we dont have the makhlawa thing :p as soon as the girl is married she becomes ‘parayi’!
“The grooms side of the family gift the girl with a bhurry. This consists of fancy clothes, shoes and handbags – and used to include even the tiniest of items such as a comb, underwear and toothbrush!”
LOL. actually it’s still done. silly isnt it? anyway, I cant imagine someone else bringing my wedding dress. I mean it’s MY wedding, I want to buy it myself. What if the groom’s side bring one and it sucks? lol that’s like one of my biggest fears and i aint even getting married anytime soon :p
Interesting series, thanks for sharing it! I’m going to a Pakistani wedding on Saturday
Hello Dear and Respected,
I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Pakistani side of Internet. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the blogistan.
We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable Pakistani bloggers, writers and web masters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you dont mind. Please send me your approval for your interview at ghazala.khi at gmail.com, so that I could send you the questions. We would be extremely grateful. We have done many interviews with many bloggers from Pakistan like Dr. Awab, Kashif Aziz, Fahd Mirza, Unaiza Nasim, Omer Alvi and host of others. We have also interviewed prominent figures like renowned writer Dr. Ayesha Siddiqa Agha, Dawn Columnist Urdsher Cowasjee and plethora of others.
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Wow… what kutput (lots of work)! I can see how it can be both extremely enjoyable, and extremely annoying…
I hope your wedding is exactly as you want it!
You’ve been mentioned as a top five blog in my interview here.
Thought i’d let you know.
Thanks everyone
and then u become broke….
good series, i learnt stuff i didn’t actually know even though im a paki too. i really hope that my wedding isn’t as extravagant though, fingers crossed ey!
very well written!
that is really good effort to defirn wedding treditions in pakistan. i allso trying to promote pakistani wedding treditions i also need your comments on my blog which is http://fakhratabassum.blogspot.com plz leve a comment and start any new topic thanks
Being British Pakistani, Ive heard of many of these ceremonies, been to Pakistani weddings etc. My parents are quite well off alhamdullilah, and I’m not gonna get married for at least another 5-6 years but I still would never want a huge wedding like most Pakistani’s I know. In my family (sayyids so status is a huge thing for them unfortunately) it becomes a competition to wear the most gold on the wedding day. A relative was gloating on the phone about how much dowry her family gave to her sister when she was marrying, and how much gold she wore (about 6-7 really heavy pure gold necklaces). Personally, when I marry, I’d like a *really* small wedding with about 50-80 guests, in the beautiful local mosque that’s being built (it’s a beautiful mosque surrounded by beautiful trees and will have a gorgeous domed green roof). Just some good friends and close family. And gold? No way. I can’t stand the stuff. The mehndi would be just me, a decent henna artist and some good friends just like a girls night in. True, a wedding is a once-in-alifetime thing but if you’re gonna be thousands of pounds in debt before you set foot in your partners house, your life won’t be very good. Instead of spending all that money just to show off your wealth, why not buy a mortgage-free house and go to hajj together or something? Now that’s what I call a good start to life together.
But yeah, in my family, the folks plan the wedding, guest list, mehndi, wedding outfit, everything so I doubt if I get married I’ll have a say!
nice article…i enjoyed reading this even if Im not a Pakistani…i saw lots of pictures in internet about the Pakistani bride and just amazed at their look–heavy make-up,tons of gold and henna..its not real beauty at all, others looked like drag queens. And these times of crisis its impossible to pour all your money into this event. Anyway this kind of wedding ceremony is fun, emphasizing the bond between two families and wealth rather than love and solemnity between the bride and groom.
what a nice summing up
Wondering what’s the usual mehr amount people that people have fixed in the desi weddings .. I’ve no idea.
@mcpagal: I dont think thats a tradition .. just lust and rudeness of in-laws .. sigh .. poor gal.
BTW, pakistani marriages are lush and expensive usually but western marriages are no less expensive. The huge amount that they get to pay off for cakes, chapel wedding, the reception, luncheons, photographer and dress are biggies too.
Great post!
This actually is the first time I hear about the makhlawa, but thats probably because I’m usually back home after the Waleema with little knowledge of what goes on after!
I do find it strange that both the bride and groom would stay with her family for a few days. Usually the bride comes to say “hi” to her family the mornign after the Shaadi, and thats what I’ve been used to!
Hi Nida
Well sometimes they stay over, (depends on how liberal the families are…) but usually if the girls family live in the same city as her inlaws/husband then she may go and stay over at her parents house on her own or just visit. But they attend the dinner invitations as husband and wife, together.
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I’m a Pakistani and I’ll be honest, I think Pakistani weddings are absolute garbage, a total and utter waste of everyone’s time. Why spend 4 days over an event that should take less than 24 hours. The nikkah the night before, the walimah the following afternoon, everyone packs their bags and go home.
I know they sound exciting and fun, but if you’re idea of fun is doing stupid things like oiling hair and hiding shoes, then you seriously need to find a hobby.
Pakistani weddings are so useless that I know several men who felt they were being cursed for allowing their women to plan such shameful and reprehensible events.
Thanks for inforimg us about the finer details about the weddings, but it further emphasises the point that Pkaistani weddings are un-Islamic money wasting fiascos.