Women, Family & Work – To What Extent Are They Compatible?

 

In most societies today women compromise the large percentage of students at higher and further education establishments, with a great proportion eventually venturing into paid work.

Much of this drive to work and establish a career is down to many reasons, one of which includes having aspirations and being goal orientated, a longing to utilise the skills and experienced harnessed via exposure to the world and to incorporate the knowledge gained in their lives as well as in larger society to better communities.

Paid work and career differ from one another although the latter always comprises of the first, the first does not always necessarily include the latter. A career by definition conjures up an image of immense toiling, networking and investment of time (working overtime/unsocial hours), money (to maintain a particular appearance) and attention (the next event where you can flaunt your work credentials) in return for a healthy return in money and/or lifestyle.

Paid work in comparison may not involve frills of luxury but may simply compromise of the humble effort in providing a warm home, food on the table and clothes on their back. Women working full stop in certain cultures and/or families is frowned upon as it is indicative of their inability to provide for their womenfolk or the anxiety associated with their women being exposed to unsavoury people (I will write a detailed post on this soon)

But as a woman, how does the relationship between having a family and having a career work? Is there a balance? There was a recent article which made a correlation between unhealthy eating habits of children and working mothers, whereby children whose mothers work have generally worse eating habits compared to the diet and eating habits of children with stay-at-home mums. This shows similarity to research carried out in the 60s/70s by Bowlby who subliminally attributed lack of attachment to the mother and therefore affecting the child’s development and sense of safety, security, being able to engage in loving relationships down to mothers who went back to work shortly after the birth of their child. Despite superceding empirical studies emphasising the existence of a primary caregiver being important independent of gender, much is still made of Bowlby’s theory of attachment in inducing guilt and pointing the dreaded finger of blame.

Admittedly working or not working for women with young children/families should not involve the emotional upheaval it currently carries, much of this however is easier said than done. Not working for some women would mean giving up and saving up, especially if two wages coming into a family home were whittled down to one, with there being no significant increase to remotely buffer against such a change in living for even an iota of a moment with the one incoming pay packet.  This is currently the case at least for those living in London if one wishes to have a decent quality of life and live above the poverty line – a single income is insufficient unless you have your housing already paid for by the council and are in receipt of benefits or are ludicrously wealthy.

Alternatively narrative relating to mothers returning to work often focuses on the return being the 2nd option, with many automatically, intrinsically and of course naturally opting to stay at home with the child. This may not always be the case, so rather than looking at these women who want to return to work rather than stay at home (even if there are no pressing reasons for doing so) as the exception, we may need to re-adjust our lens and accept they are becoming the norm.

For mothers with young children who work, their support networks compromise of other mothers, creche facilities/childcare and most important of all their partners. Adjustments in family living are considered the norm with the addition of a new member but other facets of both family and personal lives often go untouched in fear of upsetting the mother/baby bonds “natural” equilibrium, despite there being nothing natural or healthy about being holed up with a baby all day, every day without any contact with other adults nevermind seeking out some respite from child care.

Much compatibility between women, family and work can be sought only after consideration of time, effort, management, bonding the effect (positive or negative), which support networks are to hand and what there is to gain by making such moves  -and as not all children, families and women are the same, nor can the decision to completely render family life and work incompatible as a blanket rule, applicable to all across the mothering board. They don’t say work and family is a balancing act for no reason.

Lost Generation

Came across this at Asma’s blog. It’s fantastic.

Do You Feel What I Feel? Err….I’ll Get Back To You On That

Im currently enrolled on a p/t uni course doing counselling and attend it after the work day is over. I had signed up to keep myself occupied and to work on pre-existing counselling skills I had (or I thought I had) to keep avenues in terms of a career open in the future.

 The course turned out to be a tad different to what I was expecting. I hadn’t quite anticipated the level, degree and frequency of introspection and self critiquing required. I knew partly it would involve making yourself receptive to the client/patient but not to the extent where you end up questioning yourself and your ability to counsel!

I have done counselling work before, but it was more solution led or focussed on changing behaviours via altering irrational thought processes and patterns. It was very formulaic and goal orientated.

But this involves feelings. Now I generally am not a “feely” person, I focus on facts and stories and looking forward to seeing how things can be done (or can’t be done). I rarely focus on how one feels. Perhaps because I rarely talk about my OWN feelings to people. I dont tell someone when they’ve hurt me by saying “you’ve hurt me” or “I feel hurt” I demonstrate the emotion/feeling via actions because actions get you further and are “heard” clearer than mere words. I dont see the need to throw a wobbly and take things to the extreme either. A nice balance is healthy. IMO.

I understand that for some people they need to be able to explore how they feel in order to move forward, to accept change and to initiate changes in their life. Because of my background in mental health and academia I tend to hone in on the negative aspects of a person’s state. A person may ask someone “what do you think it will take you to improve your life?” and emphasise the positives whilst steering clear of the negative, whereas I would ask “why do you think your life is not progressing?” and focus on turning the negatives into positives.

Because of this apparent invisible barrier that I have, during role plays I hear feelings, but I dont explore them. Im currently trying to work on this. Usually during the role play session I myself think im not doing too bad and that it went well. That I heard the person say they are happy and know what makes them happy. Until the tutor gives me feedback – which usually deflates what little belief I had in my seemingly evaporating skills! I  dont explore what happiness means to them and how they “do” happy.

And for some reason I get the hunch she (the tutor) doesn’t like me. She mentioned she is fascinated with body language and always points mine out. In formal settings I sit with my legs crossed (right leg over left) and clasp my hands in my lap. Thats how I sit. There’s nothing “there” to read into. Perhaps im imagining her not liking me because I feel so pathetic in terms of my progress on the course! But others have also had the same feedback so I feel slightly relieved by that. So slight that its non-existent.

I also find using language such as “I hear you saying….”, “I feel that you are…”, and parroting things back to the person to be quite….not tiresome but infantisiling the individual. And to actually ignore the facts/story they may be relaying to ask about how they feel or what emotion they experience….I personally find that incredibly annoying when its done to me. I feel they aren’t listening. But they assume sticking to facts and stories is an avoidance technique, because “feelings are challenging”.

Sometimes there ARE no feelings to explore. There is no over-riding emotion being experienced that I feel the need to bring out, explore and scrutinise. Life is up and down. You’ll have days (like mines yesterday) where you feel incredibly useless, pathetic and inadequate. And then there are other days where life is great, you feel wonderful and happy.

  I am quite meh and blah about most things. Relatively little shocks or surprises me. I’ve noticed this desensitisation over the years. I am also facially not very expressive. I have to FORCE myself to show some kind of expression. If i’m happy I might smirk on the outside whereas inside there’s a whole circus act occurring. If I am very upset, I might be quiet and cry a little on the outside, but inside my hearts in little pieces and a deep grey sorrow consumes me. Now thats how I am as a person. Subdued.  I do not not feel. Of course I feel, I experience, I relate, I understand, I empathise (sometimes not as much as I should depending on what the issue is and who it is). But I am not very “expressive” of it in the typical fashion of how touchy feely some people are, the stereotypical concerned counsellor or how a “woman” is typically depicted.

 Its never bothered me. Now im beginning to think in relation to a formal counselling setting and perhaps even in the future this apparent inability to express physically and ignore feelings may become an issue.

Its all very confusing. I feel confused (there ya go, theres a FEELING! Lets explore it…..)

Phone Phobia

It was only when dear Suroor mentioned phone phobia…did it occur to me..I have this too..in a more selective form.

I work in research. Yes, the exciting world of health research. I moved from having hands on people access, working directly with individuals in a healthcare setting…to having little/no access and working directly with research papers. Reams and reams of them. If you call sitting on your desk waiting to be read work, then yes…I work very hard!

I slack a lot as part of my work. Theres only so many things you can read…and comment (constructively and critically) on. I also have a very hock hack approach to my research projects.

But my major issue is….phone calls. Especially having to make them. More exact – having to phone people to ask them to participate in research. I HATE doing that. I don’t mind phoning for anything else…pizza, hairdressers, my ISP, the Dr’s. Nope…I will happily dial the number for those. But for my research projects…I LOATHE having to phone. Sometimes it feels like I’m having to beg for research participants. Im much happy emailing for research purposes. And keep all interaction to email where possible! (Uptil where I go to collect the data obviously )

One I sometimes either talk too fast or they don’t understand what I’m saying. Last time I checked I was speaking ENGLISH! Yes, this even happens in my home town. I dont mind talking slow…but when the other person still can’t be bothered to make an effort I go a bit…errm…awkward. Not good Sumera…not good at all. I know.

I think another reason…partly its to due to REJECTION. I hate hearing “Sorry we can’t help you”. Or fob you off with some excuse a preschool kid would use. Feel like throttling them. Or when they ask for more information regarding your research…and I mean the complete ins/outs…all of the research jargon. Or when I have to explain the obvious.

Explaining the obvious also goes for literature reviews. Hmph.

Exasperating!

Ah well…I shall forever have to deal with this should I wish to have a career in health research. Wish me luck people. I feel like a Banshee on the phone at times. A Screaming Banshee

Cram

Ever feel like you have too much to do, and not enough time?

Sometimes I wish my head wasn’t 5 steps ahead the rest of me. I want to do everything. Wonder Woman Syndrome. I want to have a great career (somehow manage to surpass my fear of public speaking!), be a doting daughter, a loving wife and great homemaker, raise wonderfully obedient children (Impossible? Insert correction – To be able to have children, Insh’Allah.). Seek knowledge of the Deen, of complex issues. Be able to understand political jargon!! And jargon of any other nature. Be able to express myself in writing. I envy those who use the pen like a paintbrush. Beautiful. Most of all I want to be able to feel confident in what I say, to have mastery in something as opposed to nothing, to feel at ease in what I believe and in who I am.

Sometimes I feel this pretence of being so sure of who I am, this mask I charade about in begins to chip…and withers. I can feel the edges fraying. I wonder, does no-one else notice it? Are the fine hairline cracks only visible to me? When I smile in the company of someone….can they not see the cogs in my mind whirring in preoccupation of something…and someone….else? That infact I can see their mouth moving, and catch snippets of the conversation but overall I am not really paying much attention since I have far more pressing matters to think about?

And how can you remain so engrossed in someone’s inane ramblings about something irrelevant? I suppose that isn’t wholly fair…what I deem to be useless may very well be of some significance to them. And I do engage in my fair share of useless trivial conversations.

I know what I need. A holiday. Warm weather, blue skys…I must be dreaming…Its pelting down here with rain…and is bitterly cold! But I can dream…