For International Women’s Day: South Asian women and suicide – the effect of a patriarchal culture

Patterns of suicide and attempted suicide among Asian women in Britain do not reflect those in the wider community. A recent report published by Southall Black Sisters stated women, aged between 18 and 35, from the Asian community are 3x more likely to commit suicide compared to women of any other ethnic backgrounds. Venna Soni, an epidemiologist and a leading expert on Asian suicides, reported that 1,979 women of all races between the ages of 15 and 34 years killed themselves between 1988 and 1992 in England and Wales, 85 of whom were Asian. This rate is nearly double their proportion of the population. Other reports and research also point to the high rate of self-harm amongst Asian women. What is it about their ethnicity that makes them more vulnerable to self harm and suicide?

There are a few cultural concepts specific to the Asian community which may contribute to this. One is the issue relating to society and the impression that others will have if family problems are made public. These occur in 3 tiers – firstly the impression made of the individual, then the effect of this issue on this individuals immediate family, which includes her own family and her in-laws and on a larger scale the potential negative effect on her parents and siblings. All are interlinked and have an almost domino effect – nothing occurs is in isolation.

In the Asian patriarchal culture reputation, status and honour are very important in propagating the desirable social image and facade families display amongst their own kind. These three aspects are pertinent to the overall functioning of the family not only within their own relatives, their peers, acquaintances but also the larger Asian community (Bengali, Pakistani, and Indian) and one that families work hard to assert, maintain and propagate. Women are seen as the bastions of honour and reputation of families, therefore placing their behaviours and actions under greater scrutiny and judgement by others.

There is also an unspoken code of honour which relates to keeping family affairs, troubles and problems within the four walls of their home. Keeping problems within the family attempts to prevent shame and tainting of the reputation of the family within the Asian community, which being tight knit makes this a real possibility. The clustering of Asian communities in areas where other Asian’s have settled and made their nests nearby primarily for this reason further adds to this palpable tension and fear of problems escaping the cocoon of their houses.

The hardships inflicted on women in their homes may take many forms. Commonly it is assumed that if a woman is staying in an abusive marriage/home, then it is because perhaps her issue is confounded by her not being able to speak English, fearing her family back home may suffer or being unfamiliar with support services available to her. But these suicide cases do not only include those who have been brought to the UK from desi-lands, nor were they all forced into marriage or married strangers. Some of these women are born and bred in the UK, have their families living 10mins away and married someone of their choosing. This gives more weight to the statistics which infer ethnic background alone to be the greatest factor in the suicide rates amongst Asian women.

A lot of these married women may be being mistreated by their in-laws, including their husband. Issues such as domestic violence, removing her autonomy, imprisoning her in the home, taunting her, treating her as their slave,  subjecting her to emotional and mental distress and even resorting to physical harm are not unknown. However because the notions of honour and shame are so powerful, most women feel they will be judged by society if they leave or expose the issues occurring in the home.  Accusations normally point to the woman: “what did you/she do?” . Ultimately the issues and problems occurring in her personal life are her fault, and she is the problem.

Often these women may even present at gatherings at places of worship, and discreetly ask for help but people wishing not to interfere in what essentially is viewed to be a private matter simply walk away. This includes women acquaintances and peers who may be sympathetic to their suffering, but do not want to meddle and gain the reputation of someone who breaks up families. Watching from the sidelines, sticking their head in the sand and brushing problems (that are almost epidemic in the community) under the carpet are common.

Sadly sometimes the woman’s own family wish not to intervene as it may “ruin” things for them and their family if she exposes the problems or divorces. Women are encouraged to stay in abusive relationships out of this possibility that she may ruin and bring shame on everyone including herself.  There is an ironic element in this – most Asian cultures are inherently patriarchal and it has been known that the men would defend the honour of their family if it was stained, even resorting to murdering the female relative – honour killings. However, when it comes to preserving the value, worth and integrity of their female relatives who have been married into another family there is at best meek support by way of advising her to “stick it out”. Owing to this lack of support, the only way out of the desperation these women experience and to save face by keeping the family honour intact is seen to be suicide.

Alienation, isolation and ostracisation from the family and community are real consequences for women who choose to expose and break free from the oppressive relationships they find themselves in.  The key factor in allowing these women to feel they have the absolute option and autonomy to leave in order to protect themselves is the unwavering support of her family and friends. If these families valued their women more on the basis of humanity, love and kinship and less so on the societal impression and opinion of them, the patriarchal concepts of shame, honour and reputation which dictate expected decorums of women, many of their sisters would feel there is a way out apart from suicide.

Dancing Boys of Afghanistan

A recent documentary on Channel 4, part of the new season of True stories programme took us through the hidden world of the dancing boys of Afghanistan. These are boys, under the age of 18 who are kept for entertainment purposes, to dance and shimmy with the older men (often their “owners” or guests at a party) with sex also being a component of their role as dancing boys. Bacha baazi, as its referred to, is a common practice in Northern regions of Afghanistan (but slowly trickling to other cities and provinces) perpertuated by older men,  the one’s in the documentary varying between the ages of 30-60 (some being older), often with enough disposible income and wealth to lure boys from impoverished backgrounds in the hope of supporting and sustaining their families in exchange. For those who struggle with the looming poverty reigning over them, as with most of the population, such an offer is hard to resist. Some families sincerely believe their boys will be used purely for dancing purposes only and not be sexually exploited.

The documentary made the point several times of the inaccessibility of women to the Afghan men due to the strict nature of purdah in the country resulted in the substitution of boys who were readily available and within their vicinity, from street children to those working in tea houses and food stalls. The reference to women being inaccessible somehow implied that were women available for entertainment and sexual pleasuring (prostitution), these boys would be spared which is quite a poor explanation and reasoning behind the popularity of bacha baazi )despite the boys often being dressed in women’s clothing and ghunghru for their dances and needing to be attractive in appearance, slim and nimble – like nymphs)

The keeping of boys, openly flaunted and boasted as being toy boys, was not about sexuality. Sexuality played little a role in the desire of these older men (some married, some single) enjoying them, boasting about their dancing talent, and holding parties especially for their friends and peers to come and watch and often take their boy home for the night. Some confessed to becoming habituated to having boys for company during their days in the fighting against the Russians and some of the boys wanting sex themselves, others professed an attraction for them whilst some simply enjoyed the elevated status it brought having a boy under their wing, to exploit and swap with their peers. There was no mention of plying the boys with drugs to keep them addicted and therefore wanting to stay, but I suspect this may be also be a factor or a method used in keeping them from running away (aside from the threat of being killed and/or beaten)

Boys for this purpose remain this “charm” until they hit adulthood, which for the Afghan men would be around 18. After this, the boys are no longer desirable and left to go. And often the victims may become perpetrators of the same kind,  as one dancing boy shared his goal of having 20-30 dancing boys when he is able to afford it and hold parties for his friends to be entertained in the same manner as he had been entertaining his “masters” friends, despite stating in the beginning he had no choice in becoming like this or living this existence so had accepted it. An insight as to what these parties consist:

The orchestra started up with a curious, plaintive melody, the rhythm being taken up and stressed by the kettle drums, and four bachehs took up their positions on the carpet. The bachehs are young men specially trained to perform a particular set of dances. Barefoot, and dressed like women in long, brightly-coloured silk smocks reaching below their knees and narrow trousers fastened tightly round their ankles, their arms and hands sparkle with rings and bracelets. They wear their hair long, reaching below the shoulders, though the front part of the head is clean shaven. The nails of the hands and feet are painted red, the eyebrows are jet black and meet over the bridge of the nose. The dances consist of sensuous contortions of the body and a rhythmical pacing to and fro, with the hands and arms raised in a trembling movement. As the ballet proceeded the number of dancers increased, the circle grew in size, the music waxed shriller and shriller and the eyes of the native onlookers shone with admiration, while the bachehs intoned a piercing melody in time with the ever-growing tempo of the music. The Heir explained that they were chanting of love and the beauty of women (Source)

What used to be brushed under the carpet or denied, is now openly flaunted with the government being aware of it but doing nothing. One wonders what kind of a life these boys end up etching for themselves and where the morals of the men who engage in this are, or how they manage to dabble in this sort of things and feel no sense of guilt in destroying the lives and innocence of these poor boys.

Dancing Girls of Lahore by Louise Brown

Dancing Girls of Lahore by Louise Brown

This semi academic book documents the lives of women of Lahore’s notorious Heera Mandi - a colony infamous for its brothels and adult entertainment, spanning across centuries.

Louise spends around 5 years in Heera Mandi – spanning the various seasons of the year and followed one family over this period of time. Maha, a daughter of a prostitute and being in the business herself and her children, 4 girls and a boy portray a tiny glimmer of life in the brothel colony where relationships and love are framed in the context of sex and money and ultimately the powerful control these facets exert on the lives of the women.

I found the encompassing manner of including the many faces, personalities and dynamics which exist in Heera Mandi to be meticulously detailed. Glimpsing into the lives of the staggering and often stoned heroin addicts, the pimps openly conducting business transactions, in the streets, kusray, their communities, circumstances and the bittersweet relationships they have with one another, themselves and larger society to various Heera Mandi prostitutes – the old tawaifs from the era of the British Raj and nawab sahibs, to those girls fleeing destitution and poverty in villages, towns and cities in the hope of re-hashing a life rather than a mere existence provided Heera Mandi – the “Diamond Market”- a portrayal which reflected the many layers in which a society as fragmented as this was in many ways also cohesive. It’s people and the social norms and rules which regulate their existence being at odds with the larger convservative society, respect, honour and family being the cornerstone of a decent life, in loggerheads with an identity heavily loaded with stigma and a forever permeating presence of Heera Mandi in the lives of those tainted by it – regardless of how far they flee, and how long the exile lasts. Once a prostitute, always a prostitute – especially if you’re from Heera Mandi

The striking contrast played against the backdrop of a conservative Pakistani society – which almost ironically mirrors the location of Heera Mandi within Lahore nestled between the infamous Badshai Masjid, Roshnai Gate and Hazur Baagh is discreetly described through the relative secrecy in which the workers at Heera Mandi operate.

From wealthly clients such as Sheikhs from the Gulf, to politicians, members of the cabinet and entrepeneurs it takes little to realise the very sustenance of the women in Heera Mandi is dependent on the rich and affluent who can afford to purchase sex from quality women with the power dynamics often being skewed in favour of them.

However, there is much bartering and emphasise on the quality of goods – such as the age of the girl (the younger the better), her beauty (skin colour, features, attractive assets), her reputation (good dancer and sex worker) with the sale of a virgin girl being much prized, the relative desperation in terms of poverty of the family and the extent to which thise could be exploitated  -these all form a part in the agreed fee for their services, be it sexual or entertainment (mujra ) in the form of dance. Many clients may come and go, but the girls live in the hope of snaring a wealthy client who’s interest remains sustained enough to lead the girl and her family a comfortable life.

At what cost to their own chances of leading a life away from the brothels, to have a relationship based on love and affection as opposed to sex and financial gain is an underlying theme throughout the part academic/part biographical accounts of the women of Heera Mandi.

I’d recommend this great read. Another more detailed review can be found here.

Touring the City:Covent Garden

Popped by Covent Gardens a few months ago, but am now just putting up the pictures! Been far too busy these days.

Covent Garden’s market is quite famous. Although when you hear of “market” you expect a line of stalls under the sky but some stalls are housed in what used to be the market area for stall holders quite a few years ago. Now you have stores and a few stalls mixed together.

This area shows the open stall area.

This is the walkway with shops off on the right and left hand side

In the lower ground floor are more shops, specialising in all things kitsch; cute little gifts that make you go “aww” and feel all girly. Most men look bored but thats what they always look like when shopping with the women. There are also some restaurants. One time there was a young chap bellowing out an Italian opera tune. It was fantastic and there was quite a crowd. He was quite the eye candy I might add

Outside the CG Market from the front is a lovely white sandstone building which I think houses the Royal Opera.

On the backside is a church. The walking pedestrianised area is all cobbled, which gives it an endearing touch despite being a pain to walk on in heels.

And the exit/entrance depending on which direction you come to Covent Garden market. The writing above the building reads “Punch and Judy” which is what the traditional puppet play was referred to before other forms of entertainment took over. I’m not quite sure why its there. Any one with insight on this?

Next in the installment of Touring the City: Tower Bridge and Tower of London

Full Right To Divorce?

Following on from Organic’s topic of divorce where recommendations for compiling a pre-nup is being encouraged a set of issues have also arisen. Pre nups are definitely good – they are a means of noting down expectations and general agreements/disagreements which are best being stated and argued over at the beginning than ending up with nasty surprises later down the line.

 One issue being discussed is for the woman to stipulate her full right to divorce herself from her husband. Which means without 3rd party intervention (through a judge/qadi), without asking him for divorce or initiating it via someone else (where her father/brother states it). I’ve read about this a lot over the past year, but there are some aspects of it which I find confusing. They are as follows:

• If a woman stipulates this condition of divorce then does that mean she strips the man of it? Or does she gain the same right as he does (divorcing her w/o going through a 3rd person). I was under the assumption only one person has the full and complete right
• Would she also do it in the same manner as him – as in uttering it thrice. Or would she just state it once and it’d be implemented? Or does it simply mean she can begin divorce proceedings without gaining approval from a 3rd person?
• A woman cannot divorce her husband, but can divorce herself from him. Whats the difference? Is there a difference between the two? Because they seem similar to me.
• I personally have only come across the deference of right when conditions/promises are broken – such as if the man stated from the outset he would not take on another wife, or he would not emigrate from the city for example, then she has the right to divorce him on that basis. This is known as “tafweed” (I think – correct me if im wrong please).
• She can nominate the right to divorce herself from the husband to another agent (usually her brother/father or uncle)
• This full right to divorce is termed “mashiat” Info on the above two last points can be read about here

I can’t find any link, article or source that addresses the above issue. I can’t find something that addresses this issue of the woman’s full right to divorce at all – so expecting articles addressing all the above points is pushing it I suppose! None of the Q/A sites address this full right either – they only ever speak about tafweed.

Does anyone have any further into on this? With proper references to texts etc.