My heart feels heavy.

I ponder on my existence. What is it for? Where am I headed? How can I stay on the Path?

Marriage. Who’s going to be my “soul partner”, “other half”? Will we be happy together? What kind of problems might our marriage face? Children? Insh’Allah. Will they be a delight, as people so often say they are, or cause us grief beyond our worst nightmares?

On death. When my days draw near, and I am no more, and my eyes droop shut…I wont be able to engage with this world anymore. The people. My family. Friends. But life outside will still carry on. People will still rise with the sun, go to work, mingle with others…buses/trains will still function, and when the day ends..the sun will still set. Is it selfish to want the world to stop functioning? For everyone elses experience of living to stop simple because yours has?

I’ll be going to bed with this heavy heart. Come tomorrow it may ligthen. But it will return. It always does