Is a woman considered to be less of a woman if she doesn’t have children or doesnt marry?
Why are single women looked upon so negatively by being referred to as “spinsters”?
Is a woman who experiences motherhood seen as more deserving and a more complete woman than one who doesn’t/can’t become a mother?
Why doesnt the same attitude prevail towards men who find themselves through choice or circumstance stripped of fatherhood or being a husband?
Inner Reflections Transcribed 
I don’t know, Sumi! Stop hounding me! Sob sob
😛
Just one thing, i think there is some stigma attached to a man who is unable to father a child. Some men do feel less “manly” for it.
However, bachelors are definitely not judged the same way as spinsters.
Absolutely. A woman is considered not a whole woman until she has children – and i think this pressure comes from both men and women but more ‘elementally’ from other women. after all one can dismiss a man for being a chauvinist and expecting stereotypical behaviour, but it is other women who have great power in defining what is core and central to ‘womanhood’.
and it doesn’t matter if you are a career driven ‘western’ woman – those pressures still exist. it suprises me the no. of my female friends who just assume i too will have a child soon – and act surprised when i say that while I may well do – but I may well decide not to. Then it’s like, well you’d better decide soon honey, or it will be too late. (i’m approaching 30 this year) the assumption is automatically that of course you would want to.
Yes Sonia I wholeheartedly agree.
If you somehow decide that children are not for you – you are seen to be an abnormal woman; and perhaps a masculinized female. Or just simply put: a feminist. Someone who’s been sucked into the Western way of life as if having children is something that’s a desire for Eastern women only
whilst i can see your argument, i think the other extreme is more prevalant in our society. i see women wanting to stay at home and look after their children and they are deemed as “just housewives” and are made to feel inadequate for not being able to juggle all the roles that are expected of a woman in this society.
at the end of the day, motherhood is one of the most rewarding things a woman can do in Islam.
don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying women shouldn’t work- you already know i do, and i’m not condemning women who choose not to have children, particularly as said women are looked down upon for cultural reasons rather than religious anyway. i just wanted to point out that some women make other women feel bad for “just” staying at home and not using their brains.
this has nothing to do with your post, in actual fact. i forget why i’m mentioning it. ignore me!
I see your point Hema (although offtopic, but I dont mind in the slightest! 🙂 ) I think women who do make remarks about housewives do so with the view that it took them quite a while to get to where they are at and they fought a hard, tough fight to have the right to work. They see housewives perhaps as being “ungrateful” almost to their cause.
Its everyones own decision and prerogative whether they want to work – some women may very well wish to invest their time at home with their children whereas others may juggle both. Each to their own. And its true; sometimes the worst enemy of women are other women. We can’t pawn off all problems onto the men :p
And its true; sometimes the worst enemy of women are other women.
Reminds me of a talk i attended on Islam and Feminism. One sister speaker illustrated your point by asking, “Who are women more afraid of? Their father-in-laws, or mother-in-laws?”. 🙂
In Islam is it considered a negative thing if a married couple choose not to have children (even though they are physically/mentally capable) or does it relate more to cultural issues? I was watching a program with my dad about married couples who choose not to procreate and after it was over he told me that only really selfish people choose to do that. He didn’t really elaborate further so I never figured out if he was basing his opinion on actual religious text or engrained cultural beliefs
Hmmmmmmmm… among Muslims, it may have to do with the Hadith in which the Prophet (SAW) encouraged people to get married and have kids, so that on the Day of Judgement he will have the biggest ummah from amongst the other Prophets (AS).
Mind you, I’ve had my mum get mad at me for saying that I don’t want kids… honestly, I can’t stand them for long periods of time! And it’s not just me, quite a few women in my family are the same way… Anyway, when I told my mum that she got upset… :S
And then she (and several other women) told me that I’m still just a teenybopper and that my opinion on the subject doesn’t count right now ‘cuz in a few years I’ll be thinking in a totally different way…
She may be right… 😛
The only way a couple can choose to not have children intentionally, is via the use of contraceptives. And as far as i am aware, the intention for using contraceptives is important. One can use them to prevent or delay pregnancy, if it would be harmful health-wise, or if one is traveling, or one wants to “space out” the children, so as not to have too great a burden. One cannot use contraceptives for fear of poverty. Also, sterilization is haram, so only reversible contraceptives, that do not harm one’s health, are allowed.
Even if a couple were to use contraceptives, no reversible contraceptive is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. If Allah wills that a soul should be born into this world, no-one and nothing can stop His Will. Also, abortion is haram, except for very exceptional circumstances.
So, basically, even if you don’t want children, Allah may bless you with an “accident”, anyway. In which case, be happy, cos maybe parenthood isn’t all that bad, inshallah. 🙂
it’s sad that culture will always have an impact and influence how we live our lives…
Many, many people believe that women are “breeding vessels.” Remember when the Japanese MP called women “baby-making machines”?
If you are talking about Muslim women then I have heard many Arab men and women refer to women as the “Tilth” which is from the Quran and therefore something that is to be accepted. If a vessel/Tilth/machine decides not to have children or cannot have children then of course she is seen as “different from the norm.”
If a woman is unable to reproduce, we all find out. If a man can’t reproduce, it becomes a guarded family secret. Women are “barren”, men “ill.” Women are “spinsters”, men are “eligible bachelors.”
A friend of mine’s been married for 5 years now and she doesn’t have children. All the women gasp and are astounded when they find out and automatically think “something is wrong with her”. When infact she doesnt have children because she doesn’t want them. She mentioned this to me years ago, years before she got married.
And she’s sticking to it. Its her choice and her husbands obviously, but if they dont wish to have children then I don’t see an issue in that.
Regarding culture I think its a beautiful thing, Its hilarious when my husband (british jamaican) visits my mum with me and vice versa when I visit my in laws it always really fun because of cultural differences.
As for a woman being more complete, i’m not going to say single women are incomplete as such but I’ll be honest I do feel ‘more complete’ if thats anyway of describing it. Not just as a woman but as a human being (so yes it applies to men to) because the things that motherhood has opened my eyes to.
The reason being the birth process and even before that the pregnancy creates a bond between you and other women, i can’t even describe it, but all of a sudden you admire every other woman in the world who is a mother because you think, ‘I this what you went through?!’
Not to mention your mum.
We also have to look at it from the Qur’an and sunnah even Allah has raised the status of the mother so naturally people should elevate mothers, Jannah lies at her feet, she is deserving of 3 thirds of the love of her child etc.
If i come across a mother who has had such a rough day/week/month cause of the kids I will praise her and try to elevate her status to remind her what its all for and make her feel better etc.
My 2 cents.
I didn’t have children for almost 2 yrs and pple *hounded* me.I was still in college and it was a mutual decision btw my husband and I. Someone once told me how selfish I was for not having kids. I simply told her, “Yes, I am , so???”. 🙂
I think she learnt her lesson and to mind her own business. It is true if men are not able to have children,no one hears about it,infact the wife takes the blame.
Umm Maymoonah: Thanks for dropping by and participating! So would you say motherhood as an experience brings women together and so they feel more of a bond with each other?
sf: Some people just want to know the ins and outs of the marriage – im surprised they don’t ask how many times he burps or picks his nose too.
BarakAllah feeki sis.
Yes I would say it brings women together. When I first had maymoonah I went shopping after about a month with my sister. My sister had her in the carry pouch. All of a sudden more women were smiling at us around the shopping center more than ever before! Its like we had joined some kind of ‘secret society!’
Women approached us left right and center and congtarulated my sister (she looked chuffed) but had to tell them she’s the aunty. They turned to me and were nicer than ever despite the fact that I was ‘Burka Clad’ as many call it. It was great for Dawa.
Now my husband and I live in an area where there are hardley any muslims, and non on our street. All the kids in the street know us because of maymoonah they come running to us each we leave the house so they can see maymoonah. Its beautiful mashaAllah.
The best woman that Allah has mentioned in Quran and raised her status was Aasiyah the wife of Pharaoh and she was Childless.
The prophet who was the best of mankind had a favorite wife who was Aisha. Aisha went on to become the most famous female scholar. Both the women were childless.
Women are not put on the earth to have children but to worship Allah. Allah says in Quran (He didn’t create mankind or Jinn except to worship him)
So does that mean that women should now say they don’t want children no…
The Prophet [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘O young people, whoever of you can afford it, let him get married. It helps restrain the eyes and preserve the private parts. But if he cannot afford it, let him fast, for it works as a preventative.’
He also said, ‘Marry fertile women, I will be showing off your large number on the day of resurrection.’ – ‘Marry the Wadud (kind) and Walud (fertile) woman, for I will compare your numbers to the rest of the nations on the Day of Resurrection’
The Prophet’s saying about how “an ugly wife who’s fertile (able to have children) is better than a beautiful one who is barren (can’t have children)”
The Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.” Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27: Narrated Abu Huraira.
the Quran states “wealth and children are the ornaments (decorations) of the life of this world”
to Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan),
I could go on and on but basically having children isn’t the be all but it is definitely something recommended and encouraged in Islam and all married sisters if they can should aim to have children as well as achieve realistic goals they set themselves.
from a Proud husband and father
Umm Maymoonah: In some ways children do connect you to people that otherwise would probably never enter your “radar” so to speak. And mother’s do tend to share their experiences of motherhood so it serves if not as a bonding exercise than at least it reinforces those links.
Abu Maymoonah: A woman may very well be able to have children and it is true that having children is encouraged and recommended in Islam but it would seem that the idea of motherhood “completing” and therefore almost “redeeming” a woman and her sense of womanhood is only achieved via children. Or it has a heightened sense moreso than for men.
Most of the Prophets wives either had children from their previous marriage(s) and so suffered from what would now be termed “secondary infertility” or they were unable to bear children at all (such as Aisha (ra)) but they are taken to be esteemed and highly regarded women.
So perhaps having children isn’t the be all and end all its made out to be.
i think people need to decide for themselves – it is not an easy decision -for anyone. even i – and i dont like kids much – don’t know that I wouldn’t regret not having any. You just can’t tell can you – and your life is completely different once it has happened. and yes of course it is probably the most rewarding thing – it should be – it is the hardest thing as well. but i don’t think it is a selfish thing to not want children, any more than it can be said a selfish thing to have children.
what about the world population that is increasing? a lot of us are lucky we can bring up children and feed them – but what if we couldn’t and were really poor? would it be selfish then to not have kids? don’t people say oh you only have 2 kids you should have 5 – and that it is selfish to not have as many as you can?
and yes children unite people – of course – the concerns for parents are the same. But not as much as it ought to do. Ggive that even then – we still have wars – when we know all that it will involve is parents sitting on either side, waiting for their child to come home – what sense does it make?
So unfortunately even though it has the potential for making people more humane – it doesn’t seem to collectively make that difference does it?
And men may glorify women who are mothers – but how many of them were involved in raising their kids? They left it to the women! Ok nowadays thank God it is different – but my negative attitude towards childrearing comes from – if anything – the hard work women have had to do. And let me be honest -my mother had 5 kids. in her generation – that was a small no. by the time you had about 10 were you really in a fit state to take care of them? NO. It was the elder children’s responsibility to *help* with the younger one’s care. My mother struggled so much – and it made her bitter, i could see that. I’m not saying she wasn’t *fulfilled* but it didn’t seem that way – or its hard to perceive that as a child, when you’re little. I think if people want to have kids, they need to be aware of how much responsibility that is.
i guess what i am saying is, my mum took it out on us a lot – her frustrations. I can understand her frustration, and as a woman now, i can see easily if i have a child, i would probably feel very tempted to engage in such behaviour myself – you would really have to be an angel ( or have a lot of help) to not be in that position. But i don’t know that i will have a lot of help – and I do not want to take it out on an innocent child. Is that being selfish?
Sonia: You raise a good point, that the older children were expected to have a hand in the raising of their younger siblings. This was even if the father was alive, since his main role was seen to be that of breadwinner and of course showering them with the odd gift here and there.
Although nowadays men may be involved with their children nothing has changed THAT much. Women still take on most of the tasks related to upbringing and of course it can be quite tiring, frustrating and exasperating at times.
Some people have this idealistic notion that although women are the weaker sex, they are iron mothers – can surpass difficulties and are “built” to endure the wear and tear that offspring cause. But thats not the case for all women. And yes its true perhaps as life trudges on your opinion and view of chilldren may change.
But if it doesn’t then surely they shouldn’t be made to feel abnormal and selfish?
Im lost. are you saying there is something wrong with women bringing up the children?
Nope. The points raised by Sonia and then followed on by me is that the experiences of women who have raised children and seeing what they entailed may very well have an affect on some women and therefore they may make decision regarding children based on those experiences.
you’ve said it very eloquently Sumera.