I was watching a documentary yesterday on Channel 4 called Gods Waiting Room. It followed a Muslim funeral parlour which work with the deceased loved one’s in ensuring the departed is buried, washed and treated as per the Islamic rulings.
As part of the various families and couples in the documentary one which particularly struck me and got my brain ticking was a Malaysian family. This Malaysian woman made funeral arrangements for her recently departed husband, leaving behind one daughter. She remained incredibly composed throughout it all, from arranging the washing of the body, the viewing of the face, the timing, and when the burial was taking place she was sat in the car in the nearby car park. Trying to see what was going on. After the actual burial and reciting of prayers over the grave was complete, she came along with he daughter and sisters and paid her respects at the grave, weeping quietly – a striking contrast to the usual wailing and loud sobbing that is taken to be the reason why women are not allowed to follow and participate in the burial and funeral procession.
It made me wonder whether on the passing away of my loved ones I would be able to participate by following the funeral procession and stand by the grave as the men filled it in with soil or would I be restricted to stand and watch from afar. I have always been to visit graves of loved ones, although have never been part of a funeral procession, nor have any of the women I have ever come across been involved in the funeral to such a degree. So I flexed my index finger and got searching.
As per the understanding of Islamic rules by some, women do not accompany the funeral procession to the site of burial, nor do they participate in the actual carrying of the coffin or in covering the coffin with earth. The women tend to drift in after the burial has been done.
Not allowing women to visit graves is taken from the following hadith:
Umm Atiyyah (R) said: “We were prohibited from following funeral, but without being strict on us.’ [Muslim]The Messenger of Allah (S) said: “Allah’s curse be upon the women that (frequently) visit the graves and illuminate them.” [At-Tirmidhi and Al-Hakim]
This however seems to contradict the outright ban on women visiting graves by the following permissibility of infrequent visitations to the resting place of a loved one:
The understanding and applicability of these hadiths in terms of rulings becomes muddled whereby the position of visiting graves is not understood clearly to be either forbidden -which implies no fleixibility in the matter – or disliked -where an outright ban is not the case but is dependent on other factors-
A: There are conflicting Ahadith on this subject. While one set of Ahadith prohibits such practices, another set seemingly goes the opposite way. Those people who reject the idea altogether quote the following Hadith in which the Prophet(SAW) is reported to have said: ‘Allah has cursed those who often go and visit graves.’ Another Hadith relates an incident in which the Prophet (SAW) asked his daughter, Fatima (RA),why she had left her house. She is reported to have replied: ‘I went to the family of such and such a dead person and I prayed to Allah to shower His mercy on the person.’ The Prophet (SAW) is then reported to have asked whether she went to the funeral and she replied: ‘God forbid, how could I do such a thing when I have heard that you have forbidden this?’
However, those looking for evidence to show that women are allowed to visit graves quote some of the following Ahadith: According to one tradition, the Prophet (SAW) is reported – after acknowledging that he had earlier forbade women to visit cemeteries – to have said: ‘Now you are allowed to go and visit them, for they remind you of the life to come.’ In another Hadith, included in both Muslim and Al-Bukhari, the Prophet (SAW), is reported by Umm Atiyyah to have forbade women from following janazah prayers ‘… but,’ adds Umm Atiyyah, ‘he did not stress it’
The question then is: What does the believer gather from all this? After much deliberation, scholars have concluded that women can go to gravesides and cemeteries, providing they fulfil usual requirements – in the same way as, for example, they go shopping or visiting friends and neighbours. This, say scholars, is the best method of combining the two sets of Ahadith which may otherwise appear contradictory.
Some of the restrictions seem to be age and temperament specific
However the above hadith is seen to be inaccurately understood within the context of its reference
….if he relied on the hadith of Umm Atiyya in Sahih al Bukhari to which you refer, then one should note that her words are to the meaning that the prevention was not enforced. The tradition about Aisha throws more light on the matter: Aisha came one day from the cemetery, and I said to her: “O mother of the believers! From whence do you come? She said: “From the grave of Abdur Rahman.” I said to her: “Did the Messenger of God not prohibit visiting the graves?” She said, “Yes, then he ordered to visit them.”
The most commonly referred to explanation for disallowing women to attend funerals was due to the loud wailing and improper conduct of beating themselves and tearing their hair/clothes that most engaged in – and this is the reason currently still used although it would be relatively obsolete and varying depending on the temperament and degree of control the individual has over themselves and their senses
The traditions state that the custom was to employ women who used to wail and bemoan the dead. It would seem if we accept the hadith, that this may have been the reason for any early prohibitions. It ought to be noted too that men are also prohibited from wailing and tearing their hair, etc. Once this was understood and became the law of Islam, there was no need to prevent either sex from attending a janazah in a graveyard………Therefore, a woman cannot be deemed as being too emotional to attend a funeral — be it in the mosque or the graveyard — for as I have pointed out, the prohibition is for both men and women if it is feared that they will deport themselves in a manner deemed improper in Islam.
The absence of any clear indication of the permissbility or impermissibility on this matter, as with other matters, is taken to indicate that if something is not explicitily stated to be disallowed/forbidden then it should not be hastily assumed or taken to be as such
….And we seem to forget that the Qur’an states: “…and He has clearly explained what is forbidden unto you.” If we cannot find a prohibition in the Qur’an, then no Imam — no single person — has a right to enforce any interdiction. May Allah guide us to do that which is correct.
Inner Reflections Transcribed 
I have read a few comments on the Malaysian family, in particular in ummah.com. I was surprised at how many people were surprised at the composure of the Malaysian ladies, in particular the wife of the departed.
As a Malaysian Muslim woman who has attended many family funerals, we have always been taught to be composed and to abstain from weeping, (let alone wailing) during funerals. This applies even more so at the graveyard. I was taught as a child at my grandfather’s funeral that weeping hurts the jenazah ie the departed’s body and makes him suffer. That would be the same sort of advice dispensed to all Malaysian Muslims, which probably explains our composure at funerals.
I was forbidden as a child to follow the funeral procession to the graveyard as it was ‘not proper’. However, as an adult woman, I was not forbidden to when my niece passed away. The general caveat is always composure and to think of the departed.
It was a great documentary though, and did make me weep many times! Yet it was comedic in moments and very human.
I personally admired the family’s composure ,as coming from a South East Asian background the expected and almost stealthily encouraged response is for the women to wail and sob loudly, if not uncontrollably.
I understand the loud wailing is also common amongst people of other cultures and backgrounds despite it being disliked and with grieving recommended to be kept within limits. So it was a good insight from that POV.
Overall, I liked the documentary. Thanks for commenting Malaysian Girl! Hope you visit again
In certain desi circles women are strictly forbidden from attending funerals or visiting graves. I wonder if this because people over there are not aware of both sides of the argument.
Channel 4, I presume that’s in UK?
Hmmmmm… I’ve never really been to a funeral, unless you count the time I accompanied my mom and dad in helping a young Muslim couple with their (very) premature baby boy who died in the womb… they gave him the ghusl (which I helped with – rather scary), wrapped him up, we prayed salaatul janaazah (I was the only girl who prayed; my mum and the other lady were having their menses), and then we drove to the graveyard where my dad, a couple guys from the masjid, and the baby’s father buried the baby… the mom stayed in the car, as did my mum and I…
Graveyards in India and Pakistan have “rules” printed on their gates which prohibit women from entering!
I was once told, by an Arab, that it is because shaytan follows the woman and that his presence hurts the deceased. I would like to think that it’s just folklore, but I’ve never looked into it.
The graves i’ve visited have been in Pakistan – but its the “family” gravesite so perhaps thats why there aren’t any restrictions on visiting.
justagal I had heard it was because the angels and/or the dead could see the woman naked
Justagal – nope, I’m pretty sure that’s not correct AT ALL. I’ve never read a Hadith or anything, really, that says that… I’ll check with my dad, though. Ditto with what you’ve heard, Sumera!
The only time it really scared me was when looking in the grave and also when lowering the deceased in the grave. The grave is like a room enough space for someone to sit upright. 6 foot deep and unlike christians or jews the mud is not thrown directly over the deceased. They make walls on both sides and cover it with concrete slabs resting on the edges of the wall and than cover it with mud, basically its like a tiny dark room underneath the slabs.
After someone dies the openings to the nose and the ears are quickly closed with a gauze and the eyes are also closed because when the soul is being taken, there is an expression of being scared in there eyes and the nose and the ears are closed to prevent jinn or shaytan to enter the body and abbuse it. They use a string to close the mouth( again so that no dark forces enter the body throug the mouth) by wrapping it from the head to the jaw. The hands and the legs are quickly straightened so they dont become stiff.
I think its an experience one should all go through and see for themselves. Much like visiting graves of not only loved ones but also any random person’s grave you happen to walk by. It doesnt take much to stop and say a little prayer 🙂
I have also heard recently that it is recommended a dead body is not left alone, that someone should stay with it.
Anyone have any idea why?
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce
Answers: In the days of the Prophet (sws), women were initially stopped from visiting the graves because they used to vociferously wail and cry — a practice which was rampant among women in Arabia at the advent of Islam. Once the women had learned to restrain themselves at such places, they were allowed to visit the graveyards. This directive, it must be understood, is not part of the Shari`ah. It was a directive given by the Prophet (sws) to deal with a particular situation and was withdrawn once the required end was achieved.
Women today can visit the graves of their dead relatives. They should try not to create a scene there. Of course! this does not mean that they cannot cry; it only means that they should not exceed the limit in this regard.
Spirits of the dead seeing women without their clothes has no basis.
Now i understand that i can visit the grave of my mum and pray for her.
Hoi, waar kan ik deze documentaire terug zien. Ik ben al heel lang opzoek ernaar?
Hi, where can I see this documentary again?
You can try searching for it at the Channel 4 OD website: http://www.channel4.com/programmes/4od
I remember watching that Channel 4 programme and I couldn’t watch it all because I was too upset and also very very angry. I thought it extremely unfair that that Malaysian lady could not attend the funeral. I was not allowed to attend the burial of my father and I found this to be unfair and wrong. I am angry about that happening to me and believe that if a woman wants to goto a burial of a family member, they should.
im not sure whether it is correct or not to visit the grave, as i grew up i was thaught that women are bnot allowed but as i grew up i found that many women do go, obviously though they do so at a time when the qabrstaan is not full, i.e quite times, and they have to be paak, ie not have their menses. they should be dressed appropriately, not cry too much or loudly, make dua and not stay too long. i now go and visit my mothjer, i only go if i am paak and after fajr as most people are sleeping at that time and no mayets at that time. i always wear my cloak and scarf and usually do not spemd more than 15 minutes. whenever i miss my mother deeply or dream of her often i visit her qabr, its very sad and i always weep but afterwards i feel a bit at ease, its a great comfort. even though she is gone, it is my way of letting her know that she is not forgotten, perhaps through Allahs mercy she can see me and hear my duas, its my way of telling her i miss and love her and that i will never forget her. and suprisingly after i visit her qabr the dreams stop, il deram for weeks, every night andthan after visiting her the dreams will stop.