Despite there being many articles on the WWW encouraging marriage, finding yourself a good spouse and having children, there seems to be a negative attitude towards remaining single.
Much of this attitude stems from the “evils” present in society that can “entice” bachelors/bachelorette’s in engaging in immoral activities – particularly casual sex.
And we’re all familar with Islam’s perception of marriage – with the oft recited verses being:
2:187 …They are your garments and ye are their garments
25:54
It is He who has created humans from water: then has He established relationships of lineage and marriage: for thy Lord has power (over all things).
30:21 And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.
However, increasingly with women being able to financially support themselves – through an established career, the appeal of marriage has become diluted. Particularly for those who are expected to live with their in-laws as part of an extended family; such expectations are alien and themselves carry additional pressure alongside the responsibilities and tasks that are directly applicable to her marriage towards her husband and his towards her.
Culturally, males do not become lumbered with the expectation of having to live with in-laws or to serve them; he has fewer expectations on him from his inlaws aside from the obvious of treating their daughter well and keeping her happy. From a South East Asian perspective, the women is seen to be an “ideal example” of a brilliant wife and daughter-in-law if she serves and cares for her inlaws (MIL and FIL) as well as her husband, when there is no onus upon her to care or serve for the former from a religious POV.
Often males will spout that they cannot move out of their parental home because their parents need them, and they cannot not fulfill their obligations towards them. Many of these obligations pre-marriage and post-marriage are meant to remain static, however one often finds pre-marriage there is not much “caring” or “serving” occurring; very few contribute financially towards the home, their parents go about their business themselves and rarely see their children aside from when its time to have dinner.
Post-marriage these “obligations” tend to be thrusted upon the wife – she is expected to care for them in their old age, cook for them, wash their clothes and so on and so forth. All of these fall under the son’s obligation, but of course when you have a maid to do all this for you, whats the need to do it yourself?
Is marriage more appealing to men? Or are women simply enamoured with the idyllic notion of having a soulmate, a partner so comply with what is asked/expected of them?
Inner Reflections Transcribed 
Marriage, I suppose, does at least give one a connection to another family. Although this can be seen as a negative, at least, in the first two thirds of a woman’s marriage is at least redeemed by the fact that this and strong family values reduces the chance of your ending up destitute in one’s vulnerable old age.
Personally, I think it is great if the woman WANTS to help out her in-laws. Some women have the mindset that it is extra charities and good deeds they’re racking up. While others actually love their in-laws as if they were their own parents.
Of course the woman is not obligated in Islam to tend to her husband’s parents. So, she doesn’t have to do that. I think it would be really sad to be married to someone who expected you to fulfill obligations not even incumbent upon you.
I think its really important for women to write down these types of questions to ask potiential husbands. That way, before you go into a marriage you know what is expected of you and you won’t be ambushed by it once you’re married.
But eventually, if the couple has sons, this woman will get the same treatment when she is old….;) It will come around full circle. lol
As a man, I have never found the idea of marriage appealing. But that was before I met the woman who changed my mind. Now I am as happy and content as I have ever been in life. But I am old, and no longer have in-laws 🙂
Ya Haqq!
I really agree with you on the in-law thing – I wouldn’t expect to have to live with/take care of my inlaws, since I have no brothers to take care of my own parents the same way (or at least marry someone to do it for him). Living with in-laws creates a lot of unnecessary tension – it’s just expected culturally.
Maybe if guys feel they have the responsibility to provide a separate home for their wife, expectations of marriage would even out…
It really depends on what type of marriage you are talking about. Desi, Muslim marriage? Yes! But all types of people get married – some to offer a legal status to their relationship; others feel marriage is important for love; some are forced into it; and then there are the typical desis who marry just for the “green card”. In the last case, men and women will equally want to get married!
I think the Muslim Desi marriages really are unappealing especially if the inlaws care package is a part of it :p
AOA,
I personally think if you love your husband than his parents are like your own parents, so treat them as you would want your parents to be treated. However, I also think, if you are career minded (like I am) it is just not possible to look after a family and the in-laws. But, unfortunately, even the most liberal men among the desi people will expect you to either give up and assume the ‘good daughter-in-law/wife’ role or juggle both (without helping themselves). So, I think it really depends where the men are from, and also in their own personality.
I have no idea if marriage is more appealing to men than women… personally, I’ve never thought of in-laws much when thinking about marriage; al-Hamdulillaah my mom has a great relationship with my (paternal) grandparents, so I’ve never seen any bad tension around that’d freak me out about MY future in-laws.
My family has always tried living relatively close to my grandparents (dad’s parents), so that we can see them regularly and look after them… my mom helps out when neccessary, and my dad takes care of financial things, but we’re not with them ALL the time and my mum has a life of her own that isn’t totally entwined with her in-laws.
Insha’Allah, I hope that I’ll have a similar happy relationship with my future in-laws!
Posted a long comment/post on this post, I thought I should let you know.
I wouldn’t cal it ‘islams perception of marriage’ that doesn’t even make sense
Anon: The reference to extra duties were categorised under cultural, not religious duties.
Islam’s perception of marriage, if you re-read the post, includes reference to and emphasises the r’ship between spouses, not the entire extended family; these latter tasks are usually observed within various cultures.
Cross posted at Aliana’s
Agree with you Aliana. The reason why I mentioned financial security was that in yesteryears gone by, most women married to secure themselves a good future. And that was obtained by having a husband who earned well. Having a career wasn’t seen to be an option for these women, but now things have changed. Being able to work and establish your own career, having independence all make marriage seem less and less appealing for some women – especially since they may have to give up and sacrifice a lot in the process.
Of course there is more to marriage than just financial security, but when you’ve gone from being able to make your own decisions, having independence and being able to pursue a career – the confined nature of some marriages (read Desi marriages) makes bachelorhood seem more appealing.
And your example of the woman being beaten by her “overtly religious” husband is a common one sadly. I find it amusing that women are told to be patient (sabr) and that all will be well. Some consider sacrificing their happiness to be worth it if it means the children dont split up from their father. I personally don’t understand that logic, then again im not a mother so perhaps thats why I can’t grasp it.
Religiosity cannot be taken as a measure or indicator of good character. SAdly they dont seem to go hand in hand these days. So kudos to you Aliana for not falling for that impressionable veneer. Think about it – a man spouting the odd Arabic word here/there (which really irks me, dont know about you but I think if you’re talking in English, then please stick to the one lingo!) and who adorns the long jubbah may be attractive to somebecause he “oozes” of “deen”. Best not to judge someone on appearance alone
😀
Sheila: I agree that perhaps if you are driven by the desire other than setting up a home then the inlaws issue can become problematic. But that does depend on what the husband is like – and to a certain extent the demands and influence his parents have. Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Anonymouse: That kind of arrangement is good; since it allows being able to help out when you want/need to and you have your own space.
I can see why marriage is better for men – isn’t there some statistic that married men and single women tend to live the longest?
(Cross posted at my blog)
Good point Sumera, so the ‘type’ of marriage that people end up in reflects other institutions of the society, the mobility (social but especially economic) that the society accords to both men and women.
For the example of the women, in her case she was given the impression that if she decides to run away from her husband her children will be taken away from her. In her case I would argue that it was case of internalization of assymetric gender role assignment prevalent in the desi culture.
For the point on appearence, I hear you. I have seen and heard more than my fair share of ‘fake’ sheikhs. The only thing that they are intereted is maintaing the status quo.